***If you are unfamiliar with our beloved Jewish Godmother series, scroll to the end of the story and click on the links to read our introductory parts 1-4

**If you are not caught up with part 3 of The Dueling Dons, click on link below:

https://forbiddenbromance.com/2020/04/17/the-jewish-godmother-series-the-dueling-dons-part-3/

Well my dear amigos, when we last met I was telling you about all of the romantic gestures that The Godfather was making in order to win The Godmother’s affection. He did not hide his feelings; this was a man in love.

But through all of the Godfather’s wooing, the Godmother seemed unfazed and refused to give in to his amorous advances. When she walked outside and saw the words “surrender Sylvia” written across the Brooklyn sky, The Godmother scoffed and called the Environmental Protection Agency and reported his contribution to emitting co2 into the atmosphere. Upon seeing the back room of the deli full of Ruby Begonias, she claimed to suddenly be “allergic” to them and started sneezing and coughing into a big vat of matzah ball soup. Upon hearing that his DNA test verified his Jewish heritage, she exclaimed, “The only Jewish thing about that guinea is his accountant! He’s probably not even circumcised, If he wants a chance with me, not only is he gonna have to cut off the tip of his cigar but also cut off the tip of his ‘Italian sausage’!”

But, was The Godfather’s efforts making an impact after all?

Although It seemed like The Godfather’s romantic efforts were not winning her over, I started seeing subtle changes in her behavior. When Avi brought out her usual lunch of borscht and tuna on rye, she pushed it away and exclaimed, “Jose’, you know what? For reasons unbeknownst to me, I have a sudden hankering for some Italian. Go down to that place on 4th street and get me the Calzone Special!” She also had me take down her picture of Mayor Bloomberg from the wall and replace it with a picture of the former Governor Mario Cuomo. She had me change the piped in music in the deli from Klezmer tunes to opera sung by Pavarotti and Bocelli.

The Godmother had a hankering for something Italian!

It was obvious that she was falling for Don Bustamonte, all the signs were there. But she was so stubborn, she refused to admit it. She continued with her daily business but I knew that deep inside, she was pining away for him. She rejected his constant attempts at contacting her. She ignored his text messages, his snapchat stories and his even finsta account. He even found her profile on J-date and she responded by swiping to the left, then swiping to the right. In frustration, she threw her phone towards the front of the deli and it knocked a knish out of the Dean of Yeshiva University’s hand. The knish ended up in poor Sheila Mendelbaum’s lap.

The Godmother was confused?

After the apologies and the cleanup, I received a text from non other than Don Bustamonte himself. It read, “I am in the back parking lot of the deli behind the dumpster, I request a meeting with you, and bring me one of those egg creams!” I was a bit frightened, but I grabbed an egg cream and I headed towards the back of the deli and out the door. Behind the dumpster I saw the Godfather, who seemed like a shell of his former self. His hair was disheveled and he looked like he had been through 18 Yom Kippur fasts back to back. He snatched the egg cream from my hand and chugged it down and threw the glass in the dumpster.

What did he want from me?

He approached me, grabbed my shirt collar, pulled me towards him and he said very slowly, “Jose’, you have to help me, I’m a wreck, I can’t sleep. All I can think about is your darling honeysuckle of a boss, my love, my sweet feisty Sylvia!” He started smelling my shirt and exclaimed, “You even smell like her, a mixture of matzah balls and Jean Nate perfume!” I felt my pulse racing and I had to calm him down so I responded, “Don, what can I do to help you?” He said, “Whatever it takes to win her love, you do this for me and I will do anything you want, name your price!” I thought about it for a minute because I knew I had the advantage, but I didn’t want to push it. I then said, “Don Bustamonte, you have the best pizza in New York City, I want a piece of the pie! I want to own a “slice” of Via Roma Pizzeria!” He let go of my collar and mulled it over for a few seconds. He then kissed me on both cheeks and said, “All right it’s a deal, I’ll make it happen.”

My dear friends, I have to say that I have never made a deal with a mob boss before, this was risky to say the least! Next time we meet, I will fill you in on whether or not love prevailed!

Part 1: https://forbiddenbromance.com/2019/08/02/the-jewish-godmother-as-told-by-jose-flores-de-las-guiterrez-perez-de-fernandez-de-leon-de-jesus/

Part 2: https://forbiddenbromance.com/2019/08/08/the-jewish-godmother-part-2/

Part 3: https://forbiddenbromance.com/2019/10/19/the-jewish-godmother-part-2-continued/

Part 4: https://forbiddenbromance.com/2019/10/29/my-jewish-godmother-part-4-of-4/

For those of you unfamiliar with our beloved Jewish Godmother series, click here to read our introductory parts 1-4

If you need to get caught up, click here to read The Dueling Dons part 2

The Godfather had it “bad” for Don Bubbieberger


Hola Amigos, I’m sorry to have kept you in suspense all this time. When we last met The Godfather was kissing The Godmother’s hand in his “office” in the back room of Via Roma’s Pizzeria. He seemed to be so captivated with Don Bubbieberger that he couldn’t control himself!

The Godfather had been struck right in the tuchus by cupid’s arrow. His kisses slowly went up Don Bubbieberger’s arm and when he got past the crook of her elbow she reared back and gave him such a slap on the noggin. The Godfather fell back in his chair and was softly singing what sounded like the Italian love song That’s Amore. “How dare you,” barked the Godmother, “no one kisses my arm without my consent.” She turned to me and asked, “Did I give consent?” I shook my head. As she used the tablecloth to wipe his kisses off of her arm she declared, “No consent, no amore!”

“Then how do I get this consent?” Don Bustamonte inquired desperately. She grabbed his face in her hands, looked into his eyes and stated, “You have to earn it, besides, I only let Jewish men kiss me!” As she started to gather herself to leave, I rushed up front to order a couple slices of Via Roma’s famous pizza. I figured if I am going to have to deal with all of this drama, I deserved it. As I was handed my take out treat, the Godmother came bursting out the door, turned around and yelled back at the Godfather, “You’re gonna stay outta Brooklyn and you’re gonna stay outta my Spanx!” We then got into the Lincoln and planned to never see the Godfather again.

Meanwhile, days later it was business as usual at the deli. The Godmother was busy dealing with Rita Goldfarb’s latest issue. Rita felt she was overcharged by Stu Botchnick’s Plumbing Service. The Godmother sent her enforcer Avi to give Stu an atomic wedgie right up his plumber’s crack. It was so lethal, that he gave Rita a free toilet installation.

So as you can see all was well and good in Brooklyn, but back in The Bronx a storm was brewing. For Don Bustamonte was not a man who would give up so easily. He was going to do whatever was necessary to win the heart of our dear Don Bubbieberger. I knew that they came from 2 different worlds, how could love possibly prevail? He smokes stogies and she smokes whitefish. He fires a pistol and she fires kitchen staff. He plays the horses and she plays Mah Jongg. He eats meatballs and she eats matzah balls.

How could this ever work?

Well my friends, let me tell you. Don Bustamonte hired a skywriter to write “Surrender Sylvia” across the Brooklyn sky. Through means only a Godfather could use, he found out about her favorite flower, and he had the whole back room of the deli filled with ruby begonias. Neither of these things fazed The Godmother it seemed. But, I heard that he hired a Genealogist to scour his family tree in search of any potential Jewish roots. Lo and behold, he found out that his great great grandmother was of the “Hebrew” persuasion. With the knowledge of his Jewish blood, he hired a Mashgiach to make the pizzeria’s kitchen kosher. He had his pizza chef start making a special pizza bagel and added lox as one of the toppings. Sausage and pepperoni were stricken from the menu. Everyone thought he was losing his mind, but he didn’t care. The heart wanted what the heart wanted.

My friends, that is all for now. The next time we meet you will find out if the Godfather “makes a deal” to win the Godmother’s heart. Will the Godmother choose Don Bustamonte, or Door #2?

Yiddush Word Glossary:

*tuchus: butt or rear end

*mashgiach: a jew who supervises the kosher status of an establishment

Part of the Jewish Godmother Series

For those of you unfamiliar with our beloved Jewish Godmother series, please click here to read our introductory parts 1-4

If you haven’t already, Read part 1 of The Dueling Dons here

Hola, this is your dear friend, Jose’. When we last met I was telling you about the Mona Lisa Horowitz incident. The Jewish Godmother was enraged that The Italian Godfather overstepped his boundaries by intervening in her business in Brooklyn. She was determined to let him know that she was not going to put up with such disrespect! So we got onto I-278 East and headed to Don Bustamonte’s headquarters, Via Roma Pizzeria on Arthur Avenue. They were known to have the best pizza in The Bronx. The whole time we were driving the Jewish Godmother was wringing her hands in the back of the Lincoln and muttering every insult against Italian Americans she could think of. She was so upset she kept “klapping” me in the back of my head as she criticized my driving. The anticipation of eating a slice of Via Roma pizza was the only thing that kept from losing my sanity.

Via Roma Pizzeria: Headquarters of Don Bustamonte

When we arrived, the aroma of pizza wafted out to the sidewalk as we approached the front door. Once inside, we heard Frank Sinatra’s song, ‘Fly me to the moon’ playing. The walls were covered with autographed photos of famous Italian Americans like Joe DiMaggio, Robert De Niro and Sylvester Stallone. There were also photos of Rome and of the Pope of course. Each table was covered with a red and white checkered cloth and had a candle and a bottle of Chianti on top of it.

Don Bubbieberger whispered as best as she could, “Jose, I don’t think we’re in Brooklyn anymore.” She then sauntered up to the pizza chef in the front and banged her fist on the counter, “I demand to see Don Bustamonte.” Upon hearing her, the chef was so shocked that he dropped his freshly made pie as he was pulling it from the brick oven; for NO ONE mentions the Godfather’s name in the front of the pizzeria. He answered, “Fuggedaboutit lady, this is a reputable establishment, we don’t talk about those things, you either order a pizza or Va via!” The Godmother started channeling Robert De Niro in taxi driver as she said, “You talkin to me? You talkin’ to me?” The chef answered, “Yeah I’m talkin to you, who are you anyway, where are you from?” The Godmother losing her patience, picked up a jar of hot pepper sauce, and flung it into his face. “I’m Don Bubbieberger from Brooklyn that’s who!” As the pizza chef doubled over in pain and grabbed his eyes, I followed The Godmother as she marched towards the back of the pizzeria. Instinctively she knew where a Don would be doing his business. Even if she didn’t know, our clue was the smell of garlic and Armani cologne that was coming through the door that was marked ‘private.’ She began pounding on the door which caused the walls to shake. As I watched the framed picture of the Pope rattling on the wall next to me, I felt a sense of foreboding. ‘Oy Dios mio’ I said under my breath. I braced myself for what would happen next.

Just then, the door opened and a very large beefy man stood in the threshold. He took one look at the Godmother, and said, “Hey, lady, the restroom is down the hall, can’t you read the sign, it says private!” Suddenly, we heard a booming voice from the back, “Who dares to disturb me during my favorite show, Let’s Make a Deal?

Don Bustamonte’s favorite show. But, who else can make a better deal than Don Bustamonte himself?

“Let’s make a deal?” The Godmother said as she pushed her way past the stunned bodyguard. “I’ll tell you what the deal is you Bocce ball playing shnook!” She said to The Godfather, who was sitting at a small table. I noticed his table also had the red and white checkered tablecloth as well as a very large loaf of Italian bread. There was a glass of red wine on the table and an ashtray shaped like a gondola which held a very expensive lit montecristo cigar. Behind us was a flat screen TV playing a rerun episode of Let’s Make a Deal. He then stood up very slowly. My friends, I must tell you, the most impressive thing in the room was Don Bustamonte himself. He was not a very tall man, but the way he held himself made him seem larger than life! As the Godfather looked at The Godmother, he narrowed his eyes and said, “Nobody has spoken this way to me other than my dearest Mamma, may she rest in peace.” The Godmother responded, “I’ll make you REST in PIECES!” She snatched the lit cigar and she started to drive it towards his head!

He gently held her arm, took the cigar from her and said, “Such a bella faccia, what could possibly get you so worked up? I hate to see you so troubled. What can The Godfather do for you?” He started to twist the ring on his pinkie. The Godmother, quite frazzled, said, “Does the name Mona Lisa Horowitz ring a bell? You know the Jewish Italian girl with the cats?” He nodded and answered, “Oh yes, Sophia’s daughter. Sure, no big deal, you don’t have to thank me, I took care of it. You want something to eat? I have some lovely proscuitto to share.” The Godmother grabbed the loaf of bread and threatened to hit The Godfather with it, “I’m not hungry for proscuitto, I’m hungry for vengeance!” I noticed that it was at that moment that the Godfather’s eyes softened and he was struck by what the Italians refer to as Fulmine, the thunderbolt. He was obviously falling in love. “I’ve never met anyone like you, I’m completely captivated by your controlling nature. You’re a woman who knows what she wants and will do anything to get it! I admire those qualities because I have them as well. Who are you?” She replied, “I am Don Bubbieberger and I run all of Brooklyn and Mona Lisa Horowitz is mine!” He answered, “Fine, you can have her, as long as I can have you!” My friends, I couldn’t believe it, but the Godfather took the Godmother’s hand, started kissing it and the loaf of Italian bread fell to the ground. My mouth hung open, for no one would have predicted this outcome!

And so the plot thickens. Is there romance in the air? You will know next time we meet. Until then, this is Jose Flores de Las Gutierrez Perez de Fernandez de Leon de Jesus.

Yiddish and Italian glossary:

Klapping: hitting

Va via: go away

Schnook: a pitifully meek person

Bella facia: beautiful face

If you haven’t read the latest, catch up now, Part 2 of the Dueling Dons is coming soon!

Part of the Jewish Godmother series….

Mona Lisa’s Panettone “Jewish style”

For those of you who are unfamiliar with our beloved Jewish Godmother, you can read parts 1-4 of our introduction series on this blog.

Hola Amigos and welcome back. I must say that we were all relieved when El Diablo was dispelled from the deli and life was back to normal. The Godmother returned to her responsibilities of solving the problems of her fellow Brooklynites and it was business as usual. Today I would like to tell you about the “Mona Lisa Horowitz incident.” She was a Jewish-Italian girl with quite the conundrum.

One morning The Godmother was happily rolling quarters from her recent Ma Jong game winnings. Suddenly, her daughter Francine ran into the deli in a panic. She was trying to catch her breath as she spoke, “Ma, I gotta tell you something, you’ll want to hear this!”

The Godmother was annoyed, “Wait, wait, you know I don’t like to be interrupted when I’m counting profits!”

Francine answered anxiously, “Ma, this is important! You remember Mona Lisa Horowitz don’t you? She was in last week.”

“Rabbi Horowitz’s daughter?” replied the Godmother. “Of course I remember her! She is the only girl in Brooklyn who can make Panettone from a loaf of Challah! But boy does she have problems. With genetic predispositions like that, I could make an entire living with her as my only client! Don’t get me started!”

Francine answered, “Yes, her. You know she came to you because she had a problem with her landlord?”

“Yes I know,” The Godmother said as she continued to count quarters. “She has too many cats. I told her I would fix it for her and I would pay a visit to her landlord.”

“Well things got a little more heated and apparently she was getting very close to being evicted! I suppose she got desperate and she went elsewhere for advice.” said Francine.

The Godmother’s interest was peaked…..

The Godmother stopped counting, “Who else could she go to? I deal with all of the problems in Brooklyn.”

Francine replied with trepidation, “Well you know her mom is Italian, so she decided to skip boroughs and went to the Bronx for a second opinion!”

Godmother put the coins down and slowly stood up, “What are you saying? No one crosses boroughs on my watch!”

“Ma, she went to see Don Bustamonte and he gave the landlord an offer he couldn’t refuse!” cried Francine.

My friends, let me explain. Rudolfo Massimo Bustamonte was the head of the last remaining Mafia family in New York City. Unlike The Jewish Godmother, he was a man of few words. He wielded an enormous amount of power throughout the Bronx and beyond. They say his family was responsible for the New York Mets winning the world series in 1986 and for the downfall of the “beanie baby” craze. It is rumored that he proposed a new idea for 2 Mafioso themed beanie babies, “Tony the Fish” and “Fat Paulie the Walrus” and they turned him down.

The Don, at 65 years young, was virulent, tall and considered quite the lady’s man. He was always dressed for success and his nickname was “Rudy the Romantic.”

The Godmother couldn’t believe what she was hearing. “She went to The Godfather? That spumoni loving shyster? How dare he overstep his boundaries! This disrespect will not be tolerated.” She then turned to me, “Jose’, get the Lincoln, we’re going to The Bronx!”

I looked at The Godmother sheepishly, “What are you going to do Don Bubbieberger?”

The Godmother screamed, “I’m gonna clean his clock, that’s what I’m gonna do! Better yet, I’ll clean his Cannolli!” Her proclamation was heard throughout the deli as she swung her arm across the table sending hundreds of quarters flying through the air like a swarm of locusts. Customers cowered under the tables as she stormed out the front door.

Next time we meet my friends, I will tell you what happened next. Adios!

Italian and Yiddush word glossary:

Pannetone: A sweet Italian cake/bread traditionally eaten during Christmastime

Challah: A Jewish traditional egg bread eaten on the Sabbath

Spumoni: a molded gelato with colorful layers containing candy and nuts

Shyster: a person who uses unscrupulous methods in business

Part of the Jewish Godmother series….

What’s on the menu today?

For those of you who are unfamiliar with our beloved Jewish Godmother, you can read parts 1-4 of our introduction series on this blog.

Hello my friends, it is me, Jose’, here to tell you what happened with The Jewish Godmother and The Devil. Last time I told you that he offered her a chance to become more powerful, in exchange for her soul. It was a lot for our dear Don Bubbieberger to take in. So, maybe it happened as a result of the stress or maybe it was because of some “devilish” intervention, but Don Bubbieberger and I both came down with a nasty bug. Usually when this happens, her operations slow down and she is forced to deal with things through Google chat, or I assist her daughter Francine in running the business. Well this time, The Godmother and I were bedridden and quarantined. The only thing that kept us alive was the chicken soup from the deli that Francine brought up to us every day. She assured us that everything was running smoothly and it was business as usual.

Chicken soup: Jewish Penicillin

But was it?

After 5 miserable days we were finally on the mend and ready to go back to the deli. Upon arrival, we noticed the blue tablecloths were replaced with black lace. Red curtains hung from the windows and we smelled a hint of sulfur. Every table had a hookah pipe on it and the waitresses were scantily clad. There were strangers lined up at the counter. The Godmother took it all in, and screamed, “What has happened to my beautiful deli, this place looks like an opioid den joined forces with a brothel!” She then grabbed my arm, and we stormed to the back office behind the Chinatown screen.

The Godmother was going to get to the bottom of this!

We found Francine sitting at the Godmother’s table staring at her laptop intently. The Godmother cried, “Francine, you betta explain to me what is going on around here!” Francine said, “Ma, isn’t this great? Business is booming ever since we hired that guy you brought in.” Godmother replied, “What guy are you referring to?” At that Francine answered, “Luke, of course, he was in the other day to see you, remember? He gave the deli a makeover, the kitchen is humming, new delicacies are on the menu and the employees are happier. Also, business is booming, look at the books, and besides, Luke has such dreamy eyes, what a charmer!” I couldn’t believe what I saw next; the Godmother gave Francine a hard ‘patsch’ on the top of her head! “Listen, Francine, the Godmother said very sharply, “There is something you gotta know about this Luke fellow, but first I need to know, where is he now?” Francine answered timidly, “He’s right behind you ma!” Suddenly, as if out of nowhere was El Diablo.

The Devil’s hookah pipe!

The Godmother turned around and the devil said to her in his hypnotizing voice, “It’s so nice to see you Sylvia, you are looking so well with color in your cheeks.” The Godmother was enraged, “Speaking of color, what have you done with the drapes and the tablecloths, what gives you the right to take over while I’m gone? What have you done to my business?” The devil answered, “I’ve only made it better my dear, revenue at the deli has tripled, your influence has reached further throughout Brooklyn and to other boroughs, and I have secured for you a cut of the very profitable Shmurah Matzah business.” When she heard that, she responded with a puzzled look in her eyes, “How did you get those ‘Chassids’ to agree to that? I’ve been trying to infiltrate them for years.” “Well, I gave them an offer they couldn’t refuse,” he said with a slight chuckle. Francine looked smitten as she chimed in, “He can be very persuasive.”

That’s when the devil put Godmother under his spell:

And persuasive he was! The Godmother seemed to calm down as she started to read the new menu items under her breath, “Cauliflower crust pizza… Devils food cake… Gluten free bagels… Deviled eggs…What kind of garbage is this…but if it’s bringing the people in, I guess it’s ok…..” She softened a bit and started to agree to the idea of the devil helping her.

Uh oh…what is that atop those deviled eggs?

But all of a sudden, the Godmother’s eyes narrowed as she stared more intently at the menu and it felt like the air got sucked out of the room. She grabbed my wrist tightly and said, “Everybody, get out, I need a moment to take this all in, talk amongst yourselves.” As everyone filed out of the back room, she pointed to an item on the menu. I read it aloud, “Bacon topped deviled eggs.” Oh no, the devil brought traif into the deli, that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. The Godmother instantly broke out of the devil’s spell and came back into reality. She turned to me with frantic eyes and said, “We gotta do something about this, we gotta put an end to this, but I am not powerful enough to have a standoff with the devil. What will I do? Who can I call upon? Who is strong enough to go against such an evil opponent?”

I replied, “Godmother, you may not be strong enough, but I know who is.” At that moment, we looked at each other and whispered in unison, “Ruth Esther!” Godmother directed me, “Jose’! Bring the Lincoln around to the front, we are busting my mother out of the nursing home!”

So my dear readers, the next time we meet I will tell you how the devil was defeated!!

Yiddush and Hebrew word glossary: *Chassids = Chassidic Jews *Traif= non kosher food *Shmurah Matzah: matzah made under special supervision *patsch: a smack

(You can Click on our team follow through link or the related posts below to view Jewish Godmother parts 1-4)

Part of the Jewish Godmother series….

Ruby begonias..The Godmother’s favorite
Image credit: Pinterest

For those of you who are unfamiliar with our beloved Jewish Godmother, you can read parts 1-4 of our introduction series on this blog.

Hello friends. It’s me, your friend Jose Flores de las Guiterrez Perez de Fernandez de Leon de Jesus. I know it has been a while since I last told you tales of the infamous Jewish Godmother. But now I am back from my trip to South America and ready to share more. This story in particular is one that I will certainly never forget. The time our dear Don Bubbieberger was almost led into temptation by evil forces!! Yes, this wonderful gem of Brooklyn had a tough decision to make, and I was there to witness the whole thing. So, sit back, relax and I will tell you all about it.

It was a slow day at the deli, the godmother was taking a day off from her usual grinding schedule and sat in the back eating kreplach and knitting a scarf for her granddaughter, Rivka Malka. A sharp dressed man in a pin striped suit and a fiery red colored bow tie walked into the deli. He had dark hair, a pointed goatee and piercing green eyes that seemed to look right through me. He spoke in a low monotone voice as he asked to see the Godmother. He did not have an appointment but despite my efforts to get rid of him, he persisted.

I went behind the screen from Chinatown to tell godmother as she was knitting away. “There is a strange gentleman waiting at the counter who insists on seeing you.” She responded, “Jose, can’t you see I’m busy? No appointments today!” I then replied, “Bubbie, he won’t take no for an answer.” Holding up her knitting needle she retorted, “Maybe he’ll take this up his tuchus for an answer!” Suddenly, I saw a shadow out of the corner of my eye. It was the stranger, he was right next to the screen but we did not even see him come in! How did he suddenly appear? He then spoke in his deep voice, “Now, now Don Bubbieberger, no need for hostility, you really should be happy to see me, after all, I brought your favorite flowers.” A pot of flowers seemed to magically appear in his hands. The godmother blushed as she saw the flowers and exclaimed, “Ruby Begonias? How did you know? Where did you get them this time of year?” He simply replied, “I have my ways.” The godmother handed the plant to me and motioned for the stranger to sit down.

Don Bubbieberger addressed him, “Ok, mystery man, you have peaked my interest, what can I do for you?” He answered, “It’s what I can do for you, Sylvia.” At the mention of her real name, The Godmother’s spine stiffened and her eyes widened. You see my friends, for very few people know her real name, let alone use it! The last time she heard her real name being uttered from somebody’s lips was at her own Bat Mitzvah many moons ago. She stammered, “How do you know…who..who are you, where are you from?” He said, “I’m from down south, way way down south.” She replied, “Fort Lauderdale? I have cousins who live in Tamarac, maybe you’ve heard of them!” He said, “Oh, even further south. Anyway, I can tell by the way you handle yourself that you are a very motivated lady, always striving to be more powerful and influential.” She replied, “Well my humbleness prevents me from accepting such a compliment, even though it may be very true, I just do this to better the community I live in.” In which he replied, “The community, I see,” as he scratched his goatee, “What if I proposed a deal to give you more influence outside the community?” Don Bubbieberger replied, “I already have a piece of the action in all of Brooklyn!” He cackled, “Why stop at Brooklyn? Why not another borough?” She thought for a moment, and then said, “Right, why stop at Brooklyn, there’s more to New York than Brooklyn, although some might disagree.” He answered, “So, I can help you achieve more, let us collaborate and make a deal!” “Maybe,” she answered, “but what do you want in return, no one makes a deal for free.” He straightened his red bow tie, and said, “I want your soul!” Don Bubbieberger then pointed towards the fish counter in response and said, “That’s easy! We got the best sole up front for $18.99 a pound!” Upon hearing her comment, the stranger laughed deeply, he was quite amused, “Sylvia, my darling, you misunderstand, I meant your neshama, your jewish soul, I can never get enough of those.” The godmother, quite taken aback, started rocking in her seat and proceeded to think out loud, “You know my name, you come in here without an appointment, you bring me ruby begonias, and now you want my soul, who are you really? Are you from the IRS, is this an audit, or are you from the JNF or the UJA? Do you want money, I already give a cut of what I make to all the Jewish non profits! You don’t need more!” At that he replied, “Sylvia, let me cut to the chase, money has no value in my dominion…. which is HADES!!! At this moment I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, it was El Diablo right here in the deli where I worked! I was so frightened I wanted to leave but I knew the godmother needed me. The godmother screamed, “Get outta my deli you Lucifer!” He replied, “Well since we are on first name basis, I prefer Luke for short.” She kept screaming as she prodded him with her #9 knitting needle, “I don’t care what your fakakta name is, I don’t do deals with the devil!” He smirked, “Oh you will, in time Sylvia, in time. I don’t give up so easily, in fact I rented a flat next door, I will be in touch.”

She then stood up and screamed to the back room, “Avi, we have a problem, the devil moved in next door!” At that Avi replied, “What? Ehhh… did Trump buy the building?”

To be continued….

(You can Click on our team follow through link or the related posts below to view Jewish Godmother parts 1-4)

So let me tell you what happened as Yankel hobbled away from the deli with the gefilta fish pressed against his groin… The Godmother’s friend Lucille walked in to deli. She approached Martha who was working behind the counter. “I’m here to see the Godmother,” she proclaimed. Martha replied without speaking as she timidly raised her arm and pointed to the back of the deli. Just then, you could hear the Godmother bellowing, “Where’s my borscht?” Martha with hand shaking, gave a plate to Lucille and said with great trepidation, “Here, you bring the borscht to her, it might help your plight!” Lucille walked slowly towards the back and approached the table. She set the borscht down next to the Godmother. “Here’s your borscht,” she said as she kissed the Godmother’s ring and then remarked, “You look younger every time I see you, what’s your secret?” The Godmother replied, “An ounce of shmaltz and a good shtupping daily, it keeps you regular!” Lucille sat down in an empty spot next to Francine with Mah jongg tiles set up. That’s when the Godmother blurted, “Jose, sit down and be our fourth for Mah jongg!” I obediently sat down and we proceeded to play. The Godmother started the conversation. She said,” So Lucille, to what do I owe this pleasure, you didn’t just come for the Mah Jongg.” Lucille, who as East, started the game said, ” There’s talk in the street I think you should know about, 2 Crack.” Then Godmother replied, “Tell me more, 5 Bam.” It was my turn and I said, ” Are you referring to the alleged illegal high stakes Mah Jongg game, 7 dot.” Francine mumbled, “what are you talking about Jose?, red dragon” Lucille revealed, “Yeah, it’s real, it’s in Sheepshead Bay, 6 crack!” Godmother then took her turn, ” Everyone knows I run the Mah Jongg ring in Brooklyn, 1 dot!” I then turned to the Godmother and replied, ” Well this one you don’t know about, I’m in this deli everyday and I witness everything as I sweep, I hear it’s run by the Russians, 9 crack.” Then Francine exclaimed, ” Oh the Russians, why do they meddle in everything? 4 bam.” Then Lucille chimed in, ” Instead of betting in change they are betting in BIG dollars, Svetlana Oosterveld, was seen carrying 50’s and 20’s down Sheepshead Bay Road last night, Soap!” Godmother gasped, ” 50’s and 20’s? Where’s my cut? Red Dragon.” I then added, “And I heard that they are photocopying the Mah Jongg cards, North!” Everyone fell silent. The Godmother uttered, ” This is a mockery on so many levels,” as she stopped playing . She then tasted her borscht and immediately spit it out. ” The borscht is scalding hot”, she shrieked, “Martha, who is responsible for this?” Martha came running to the back of the deli and nervously replied, ” We have a new cook, Alejandro, he just got off the boat from Columbia.” Francine with her face twisted confusedly asked, ” Columbia University has a boat?” I then shook my head and went to get Alejandro from the kitchen. Alejandro walked in holding his dishtowel in his hands as he shakily whispered, “Si, Godmother, Si.” She replied, ” I’m going to send you back to your home country in pieces!” Alejandro, confused spoke the only 4 English words he knew,

” I no speaka English.” Godmother sneered, ” Let me put it in a language you’ll understand, borscht is a dish best served cold, like REVENGE!!! ” She then flung the scalding borscht in Alejandro’s face. Alejandro ran screaming through the front of the deli covered in borscht, ” El Diablo, La Abuela del Diablo!” And with that Godmother says, “Mah Jongg!”….Tune in next time ( in 2 weeks) for the rest of the story….

In the deepest part of Brooklyn there lies a force to be reckoned with.  It instills fear in the hearts of every man woman and child, even undomesticated pets.  Don’t be fooled by her innocent grandmother-like exterior…she is a bubbie like no other, for inside there beats a heart that is as hard as an undercooked matzah ball.  With blood colder than Brighton Beach in January, she’s The Jewish Godmother, and she runs Brooklyn with an iron fist. Her name was Don Bubbieberger.  What? Do you doubt me? Well sit back and listen, I was there, I used to work for her at her base of operations, the “Oy Va Voy Deli.” A nondescript deli on a nondescript street in the heart of Flatbush. My name is Jose Flores de la Guiterrez Perez de Fernandez de Leon De Jesus.

If you look past the deli counter in the front, you will see a trifold screen from Chinatown behind which she sits. On a Manichewitz-stained fourtop with a few mahjong tiles tucked under one of the unbalanced legs, she runs her empire. This was her ‘office.” Such things I heard and saw there…let me tell you about a memorable day a few Chanukahs ago.

A grandmother entered the deli with her grandson who stopped at the counter to order a bagel with a shmear. She had an appointment with Don Bubbieberger.

The Godmother’s daughter, Francine, who was her gatekeeper said: “Ma, you’re 2:30 is here, its Gertie Gershewitz who just recovered from hip surgery at Mt. Sinai.”

The Godmother greeted Gertie with “How’s the new hip?”

Gertie replied in the typical Jewish manner:  “Don’t get me started! I think the Doctor left an extra screw in there!  I nearly died! You shouldn’t know from the pain! But I’m not here for the hip.  Its about my grandson Yankel.”

So her daughter Francine exclaimed, “The one in Law School? A full scholarship at Columbia? You must get such nachas from him!”

“How is he doing with his studies?” asked the Godmother adjusting her silver wig.

Gertie replied pushing aside her bagel, “Not good Godmother, that’s the problem, he’s not studying. He found a summer job and now he doesn’t want to be a lawyer! He’s not going back to law school in the fall.”

There was a collective “OY!” that resonated throughout the deli and the Godmother responded clutching her chest, “My heart just stopped for a second!”

Francine then handed her mom some pastrami to calm her.

Gertie continued, “I know it’s terrible.  His mother is back at her apartment sitting shiva!”

Francine asked, “So what is this summer job?”

Gertie whispered audibly, “A male stripper.”

The shocking news caused The Godmother to spit out the pastrami, which sailed over the top of the screen from Chinatown. Wiping her mouth she calmly said: “Gertie send him in, I can adjust his attitude, I’ll make him an offer he can’t refuse.” (stroking the side of cheek with back of her hand )

Gertie shouted: “Yankel, get in here!”

Yankel sulked in and said, “Bubbie, I told you its not Yankel anymore, its Jake.”

Gertie shouted  “Jake, shmake, this is a name for a boy in law school?”

Jake answered, “It’s my stage name.”

Godmother then said to Gertie, “Give us a moment, Help ya’self to some fresh rugelach at the counter.”

At this point, Godmother turned to me and said, “Jose, we need to make a mood here, turn off the lights and turn up the music. Ok Jake, show us what ya got!”  So I put on the Godmother’s favorite, Nancy Sinatra’s “These Boots are Made for Walking.”

So he danced in front of us, the shirt came off, the shorts came off and he was down to his Spiderman undies and socks.  He danced so horribly, and as Francine put a pity dollar in his underwear the Godmother shouted, “Jose, cut the music!” She turned to Jake and said, “So Jakela, do you remember your circumcision?”

Yankel then replied, “Godmother, how can I remember, I was 8 days old.”

Godmother then did something that most bubbies would deem unthinkable, she grabbed his family jewels and held onto them with her Jewish GI Joe Kung Fu grip and said, “Allow me to refresh your memory!”

“Now listen to me very carefully, your future is in my hands, I am only going to tell you one time, your grandfather was a lawyer, your father is a lawyer and Judge Judy is your second cousin once removed!  You’re gonna go back to Law School! And let’s hope you are a better lawyer than you are a stripper!” As she released her grip, she said, “Francine, give him an ice pack for the road!”

Yankel cried out, “Godmother it hurts…” he kissed her ring and picked up his clothes and backed away and Francine handed him a frozen loaf of gefilte fish.

The Godmother channeling her grandmotherly instincts, then gave her final directions to Yankel:  “Apply it to the inflamed area 3 times a day, 10 minutes on, 10 minutes off and it will be good as new!”

Yankel answered as he stumbled away, “Thank you Godmother, you sure know how to ‘handle’ things!”

And that, my friends was just the beginning, there will be more to follow…..