***If you are unfamiliar with our beloved Jewish Godmother series, scroll to the end of the story and click on the links to read our introductory parts 1-4
**If you are not caught up with part 3 of The Dueling Dons, click on link below:
Well my dear amigos, when we last met I was telling you about all of the romantic gestures that The Godfather was making in order to win The Godmother’s affection. He did not hide his feelings; this was a man in love.
But through all of the Godfather’s wooing, the Godmother seemed unfazed and refused to give in to his amorous advances. When she walked outside and saw the words “surrender Sylvia” written across the Brooklyn sky, The Godmother scoffed and called the Environmental Protection Agency and reported his contribution to emitting co2 into the atmosphere. Upon seeing the back room of the deli full of Ruby Begonias, she claimed to suddenly be “allergic” to them and started sneezing and coughing into a big vat of matzah ball soup. Upon hearing that his DNA test verified his Jewish heritage, she exclaimed, “The only Jewish thing about that guinea is his accountant! He’s probably not even circumcised, If he wants a chance with me, not only is he gonna have to cut off the tip of his cigar but also cut off the tip of his ‘Italian sausage’!”
But, was The Godfather’s efforts making an impact after all?
Although It seemed like The Godfather’s romantic efforts were not winning her over, I started seeing subtle changes in her behavior. When Avi brought out her usual lunch of borscht and tuna on rye, she pushed it away and exclaimed, “Jose’, you know what? For reasons unbeknownst to me, I have a sudden hankering for some Italian. Go down to that place on 4th street and get me the Calzone Special!” She also had me take down her picture of Mayor Bloomberg from the wall and replace it with a picture of the former Governor Mario Cuomo. She had me change the piped in music in the deli from Klezmer tunes to opera sung by Pavarotti and Bocelli.
It was obvious that she was falling for Don Bustamonte, all the signs were there. But she was so stubborn, she refused to admit it. She continued with her daily business but I knew that deep inside, she was pining away for him. She rejected his constant attempts at contacting her. She ignored his text messages, his snapchat stories and his even finsta account. He even found her profile on J-date and she responded by swiping to the left, then swiping to the right. In frustration, she threw her phone towards the front of the deli and it knocked a knish out of the Dean of Yeshiva University’s hand. The knish ended up in poor Sheila Mendelbaum’s lap.
After the apologies and the cleanup, I received a text from non other than Don Bustamonte himself. It read, “I am in the back parking lot of the deli behind the dumpster, I request a meeting with you, and bring me one of those egg creams!” I was a bit frightened, but I grabbed an egg cream and I headed towards the back of the deli and out the door. Behind the dumpster I saw the Godfather, who seemed like a shell of his former self. His hair was disheveled and he looked like he had been through 18 Yom Kippur fasts back to back. He snatched the egg cream from my hand and chugged it down and threw the glass in the dumpster.
What did he want from me?
He approached me, grabbed my shirt collar, pulled me towards him and he said very slowly, “Jose’, you have to help me, I’m a wreck, I can’t sleep. All I can think about is your darling honeysuckle of a boss, my love, my sweet feisty Sylvia!” He started smelling my shirt and exclaimed, “You even smell like her, a mixture of matzah balls and Jean Nate perfume!” I felt my pulse racing and I had to calm him down so I responded, “Don, what can I do to help you?” He said, “Whatever it takes to win her love, you do this for me and I will do anything you want, name your price!” I thought about it for a minute because I knew I had the advantage, but I didn’t want to push it. I then said, “Don Bustamonte, you have the best pizza in New York City, I want a piece of the pie! I want to own a “slice” of Via Roma Pizzeria!” He let go of my collar and mulled it over for a few seconds. He then kissed me on both cheeks and said, “All right it’s a deal, I’ll make it happen.”
My dear friends, I have to say that I have never made a deal with a mob boss before, this was risky to say the least! Next time we meet, I will fill you in on whether or not love prevailed!